While being with a group of moms this morning, whom I realized I missed chatting with weekly, I got to think about friendships and how kids can ultimately change friendships without ever wanting them to. Anyone that has kids of their own knows how much their life changes, more than imaginable. Seriously, you go into being a parent saying, "yea yeah I know my life is going to change, I won't sleep for years, I have to wipe someone elses ass for years, I will learn to think that hearing mommy, mommy, mommy, in a screechy voice is not only not cute, but not funny. " What you don't go into parenting knowing is your world changes beyond anything anyone could have warned you about and in more ways then you knew were possible. It's more than a priority shift. I wish I could even explain it, but until you have kids of your own, I will be honest, You just don't get it.
Back to point: Usually when you are having kids many of your friends are having kids as well and we think, "awesome, my kid has friends from birth now. These kiddos will be BFF's like me and mom, or the dads, and life will be grand" Unfortunately, I don't think that we are ever prepared for when this doesn't work out. Besides the fact that all kids are different and won't necessarily be interested in the same things, duh! Parents are all different and how we choose to parent is different. If I tell my child, "No you may not throw balls at that seagull", but my BFF laughs as her child does, where does that leave us? See, I told you, having kids changes your world in ways you never thought.
I happen to be a parent who believes in Attachment Parenting, because it has been what works for us as a family. I believe that you harm your kid more than hurt them if you hover over them constantly and never allow them to fall and get hurt, physically and emotionally. I believe that you should hug your kid when they fall and get hurt. I believe that children need defined boundaries/rules and that consequences when these are not upheld, at any age, are necessary. I believe that children are smart, loving beings who need to be guided not dictated. I believe in vaccinations.
I have stood and watched friends and acquaintances hover over their children, physically guiding them through tasks and seriously felt frustrated. I have listened to others tell stories of biting their child back or pulling their hair after the child pulled theirs. I think my blood boiled. I have had my children get sick after spending time with partially or non vaccinated children. My own mother still dictates to me what I should be doing or rather what the appropriate way to do something is (whole other blog ;) ) and I cringe. I've seen children hit without being reprimanded. I've witnessed children telling their parents what to do or give them and parents following the commands of their children. I've felt angry.
So, where does that leave my friendships with these women/men with whom I've spent countless hours? I do not want my child to think that it is okay to be forced to do things a certain way, or worse that they can not be accomplished without me holding their hand. I don't want my children to be sick. I don't want my children to be hit or name called. I don't want my children to think it is okay to command others, especially their parents, to do their bidding. If I continue to place my children in situations where they are constantly with these children and parents then I am teaching them that I am okay with those things, which I am not. I have to make a decision to either allow these people to be a part of our lives or perhaps kindly decline on invitations and even possibly have the most horrendous conversation about our parenting systems colliding with one another, probably blaming myself and my slightly granola ways, and that we will be spending some time away, from them. OUCH. Is there a nicer way to do this?
Parenting is a tricky business. I do not believe that one way of parenting is better than another (well, except for my way, of course ;) ) All joking aside, it's tough enough at times agreeing on how to parent with your own spouse, let alone your friends. Sometimes, sadly, friendships change, they need to change, when parenting is involved. It's not an easy thing to do, but that's the thing, Parenting isn't easy. If it were anyone, could be a parent (oh wait shit, anyone can be a parent, there goes that argument) Restated: not everyone SHOULD be a parent. Just because one friendship may have run its course (or is put on hold for a bit) shouldn't make us question ourselves and our ways. Rather it should reinforce to us that we are good parents because we are doing what is in the best interest of our children, not ourselves, which is what parenting is all about.
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